Vanessa Feltz Poker

3/19/2022by admin

20/1 Vanessa Feltz's boyfriend 69/1 Alison Bell 75/1 That old p1ss-artist who hasn't been on NF's show for ages, luckily (you know who) 100/1 Henk Potts 150/1 (much maligned) Tracy from the BT advert 300/1 Tre Azam 666/1 Siobhan Wykes. Vanessa Jane Feltz (born 21 February 1962) is an English television personality, broadcaster, and journalist. She has appeared in various television shows, including Vanessa (1994–1998), The Big Breakfast (1996–1998), The Vanessa Show (1999), Celebrity Big Brother (2001), The Wright Stuff (2003–2005), This Morning (2006–present), and Strictly Come Dancing (2013). Vanessa Feltz has been engaged to her partner Ben Ofoedu for 13 years, but that doesn’t mean the spark has left the relationship. So much so that their dishwasher has seen some serious action.

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Adult multi-species puppet comedy. Kali embarks on a campaign of psychological warfare against Vanessa Feltz. Marion tries to impress a long lost son with some fatherly advice.

Transcript

Line	From	To
Ah! I love people-watching.	0:00:11	0:00:13
They really are THE mostfascinating creatures.	0:00:13	0:00:16
-Has he gone yet? -Gary?	0:00:16	0:00:18
No. Still looking for you.	0:00:18	0:00:20
Well, I ain't goingback out there.	0:00:20	0:00:22
-Not while he's wearing those! -Yes.	0:00:22	0:00:25
-Yes they are rather tight, aren'tthey? -Earlier, when he sat down...	0:00:25	0:00:29
I saw summink.	0:00:29	0:00:30
Humans are just likeus, aren't they?	0:00:30	0:00:33
Look, that young girl could be Kali.	0:00:33	0:00:35
And that gentlemanof the road, Marion.	0:00:35	0:00:38
Look, there's Vince,beating up small children	0:00:38	0:00:41
for their packed lunches.	0:00:41	0:00:43
-Good morning -BLEEP. -Who fanciesa Robinson's Fruit Shoot?	0:00:43	0:00:46
No, thanks, Vince.	0:00:46	0:00:47
Oi, look! That's likethe human version of me.	0:00:47	0:00:50
Stacey Solomon! So it is.	0:00:53	0:00:55
Oop! And who's this eager swaincome to chance his heart?	0:00:55	0:01:00
Ha ha ha! It's you!It's the human Nelson!	0:01:00	0:01:04
That's ridiculous.He's not like me.	0:01:04	0:01:06
Patsy Kensit. Will I everfind true love?	0:01:06	0:01:09
Don't want to playthis game any more.	0:01:09	0:01:12
# La la la la	0:01:12	0:01:15
# La la la laaa la	0:01:15	0:01:17
# La la la la laaaa. #	0:01:17	0:01:21
Then he picked up some fish fromWaitrose, wrapped it in pastry,	0:01:21	0:01:25
30 minutes in the oven andbang! Salmon-en-croute,	0:01:25	0:01:28
ready in time for Rebus.	0:01:28	0:01:30
So very, very interesting.	0:01:30	0:01:32
Is he still banging on aboutthat cock from the park?	0:01:32	0:01:35
Come on. It's not every day youfind your human counterpart.	0:01:35	0:01:38
And he is such a cool guy.	0:01:38	0:01:40
He's a rat-faced gingervirgin called Neil.	0:01:40	0:01:44
Well, let me tell yousomething, Kali.	0:01:44	0:01:47
That's what they saidabout Neil Kinnock.	0:01:47	0:01:49
And he's got a... wife, now. So.	0:01:49	0:01:51
If this Neil is so sexy,	0:01:51	0:01:53
why don't you go off and live besidehis dustbin? Hmm? Hmm?	0:01:53	0:01:57
HMM?	0:01:57	0:01:59
Oi, Nelson, you otter's knob!	0:01:59	0:02:00
Remember at the parkwhen I was hiding from Garyin those pervy shorts?	0:02:00	0:02:04
Well, I waited until he wentout and then I snuck upstairs,	0:02:04	0:02:07
went into his wardrobe	0:02:07	0:02:08
and I opened all the drawersand then I couldn't find his shorts.	0:02:08	0:02:11
So I stabbed his hamster.	0:02:11	0:02:13
Oh, Hamish. I barely knew ye.	0:02:15	0:02:18
Anyway bye!	0:02:18	0:02:19
I should get going, too, actually.	0:02:19	0:02:21
I'm meant to be overat Vanessa Feltz's place.	0:02:21	0:02:24
Serious? You're still doing that?	0:02:24	0:02:26
Hells, yeah, bitch. I'm in forit for as long as it takes.	0:02:26	0:02:29
DULL TAPPING	0:02:29	0:02:34
That's right, Feltz.	0:02:37	0:02:40
Try to ignore it.	0:02:40	0:02:41
I ain't going nowhere.	0:02:41	0:02:44
Behold! All that is Neil.	0:02:48	0:02:51
Wow!	0:02:51	0:02:53
He's got a lot ofexotic loose-leaf tea.	0:02:53	0:02:55
-Whittard's. Up a bit. -Ah, yes.	0:02:55	0:02:57
What's the human me doing now?	0:02:57	0:02:59
Nothing interesting. Moving somefurniture, pottering around...	0:02:59	0:03:03
Uh-oh.	0:03:03	0:03:04
I just seen a cat Iused to go out with.	0:03:04	0:03:07
I really don't want aconversation with her.	0:03:07	0:03:09
It didn't end well.	0:03:09	0:03:11
EERIE MUSIC	0:03:11	0:03:13
THUNDER RUMBLES	0:03:13	0:03:15
Die, daughter of Dracul!	0:03:15	0:03:18
Argh!	0:03:18	0:03:19
Apparently she wasn't a wampire,	0:03:19	0:03:22
just had these two pointy teeth.	0:03:22	0:03:24
Which I later discoveredall cats do.	0:03:24	0:03:26
Hey, look at me Nelson,I have pointy teeth.	0:03:26	0:03:29
I am wampire, too! Hey!	0:03:29	0:03:32
Hey! Heyyy!	0:03:32	0:03:33
Hello, Marion.	0:03:33	0:03:35
Hello, Jasmine.	0:03:35	0:03:37
How's things?	0:03:37	0:03:39
I see the heart surgery went well.	0:03:39	0:03:41
Last time I saw you, you were stray.	0:03:41	0:03:43
Eating out of the dustbinsbehind a dodgy pub.	0:03:43	0:03:46
What are you up to these days?	0:03:46	0:03:47
Marion, think of somethingshe will not suspect is lies.	0:03:47	0:03:51
Now I've heard you say that part,I'll hardly believe...	0:03:51	0:03:54
I am currently head of Europeanmarketing at GlaxoSmithKline.	0:03:54	0:03:57
Oh, you have child.	0:03:57	0:04:00
Yes. He's...since we split up.	0:04:00	0:04:04
Hello, esteemed friend of my mother.	0:04:04	0:04:06
-A fine lad! His father mustbe very proud. -Indeed, he is!	0:04:06	0:04:09
If only I had such a strapping son.	0:04:09	0:04:12
If only I knew who that father was.	0:04:12	0:04:14
Oh! Derek Bentley!	0:04:14	0:04:16
Marion, we need to get in there!	0:04:16	0:04:19
Mother, who was that awesome cat?	0:04:19	0:04:23
Well, I suppose I can'tkeep it from you forever.	0:04:23	0:04:27
Leslie, that imbecile,he... he was the one	0:04:27	0:04:29
who stabbed me through the heart witha sharpened towel rail.	0:04:29	0:04:32
No!	0:04:32	0:04:33
Also, he's your dad.	0:04:33	0:04:35
At last!	0:04:35	0:04:36
I have found my father!	0:04:36	0:04:37
On the downside I've also discoveredthat my mother...bit of a slag.	0:04:37	0:04:42
Jesus, Gary, why?	0:04:48	0:04:50
It's like I can feelit looking at me.	0:04:50	0:04:53
Come on lads. My dog canpass better than that.	0:04:53	0:04:56
Oh, God, this is boring.	0:04:56	0:04:59
Look at this poor oldbastard! Gone to sleep.	0:04:59	0:05:02
I heard that young man.	0:05:02	0:05:04
Urgh-urr-urgh.	0:05:04	0:05:06
Do you always make that noise?	0:05:06	0:05:07
No offence, disgusting. Truly.	0:05:07	0:05:11
I may be old but I stillhave my pleasures in life.	0:05:11	0:05:15
Nnnnrgh.	0:05:15	0:05:16
A pig toy? Show mesomething I haven't seen.	0:05:16	0:05:19
OINK! OINK! OINK!	0:05:19	0:05:20
Ah-ha ha ha ha!	0:05:20	0:05:21
It's a pig and it makes a noiselike a pig. It works on two levels.	0:05:21	0:05:25
OINK!Ah-ha ha ha ha!	0:05:25	0:05:27
OINK!Ah-ha ha ha ha!	0:05:27	0:05:28
Ha ha!SHE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG	0:05:28	0:05:30
Ah-ha ha ha!Nah, bored, novelty's worn off.	0:05:30	0:05:33
OINK!Ah-ha ha ha ha!	0:05:33	0:05:34
It hadn't worn off.I was just temporarily jaded!	0:05:34	0:05:37
Oh, my days! I have to have it.	0:05:37	0:05:39
Tired now, Bubala.	0:05:39	0:05:40
Leave me alone.	0:05:40	0:05:42
Please, let me have it.	0:05:42	0:05:43
Would you like me to dance for ya?	0:05:43	0:05:46
So, is this doing anything for you?	0:05:46	0:05:49
Not sexually, no.	0:05:49	0:05:52
But they tell me shapes andcolours are very good	0:05:52	0:05:55
stimulation to helpstave off the dementia.	0:05:55	0:05:59
Urrrgh, mmm. Urrrgh.	0:05:59	0:06:01
So go on, keep going.	0:06:01	0:06:04
Yeah. Just like that.There's a good girl.	0:06:04	0:06:06
Urgh. Mmm.	0:06:06	0:06:08
NEIL GURGLES	0:06:08	0:06:09
THEY GASP	0:06:09	0:06:11
Hang in there, big man,we're getting you down.	0:06:11	0:06:15
Why suicide, Neil?	0:06:15	0:06:16
You're an eBay PowersellerAND you've got an Amazon Kindle!	0:06:16	0:06:19
You are quite literallyliving la vida.	0:06:19	0:06:22
Oh. It's that girl from the park.	0:06:24	0:06:26
Suddenly it starts to make sense.	0:06:26	0:06:28
Papa?	0:06:28	0:06:30
It is me.	0:06:30	0:06:31
I think...	0:06:31	0:06:32
I am your son!	0:06:32	0:06:34
I don't believe it!	0:06:34	0:06:36
He has a child.	0:06:36	0:06:38
You selfish bastard!	0:06:38	0:06:40
You're losing your grip now, Feltz.	0:06:45	0:06:48
I can see it.	0:06:48	0:06:49
Let it go.	0:06:49	0:06:51
It's weird. You think I'd feelyounger standing next to you.	0:06:57	0:07:01
But it's like I'm constantlybeing remindedthat every second that goes past	0:07:01	0:07:05
takes me closer to beinga stinking, sagging,	0:07:05	0:07:09
wheezing sack of death, like you.	0:07:09	0:07:11
You repulsive old bastard.	0:07:11	0:07:14
And yet you've got Oinky Pig.	0:07:14	0:07:17
And for that reason, I do.	0:07:17	0:07:20
Thank you, Destiny,for those...lovely vows.	0:07:20	0:07:23
I now pronounce youhusband and wife.	0:07:23	0:07:25
-Yay! -You may now kiss your bride.	0:07:25	0:07:28
Get off me, pervert!	0:07:28	0:07:31
That's it then. It's justyou, me and Oinky Pig!	0:07:31	0:07:33
Ooh, no, you don't.	0:07:33	0:07:35
No-one touches the Oinky Pig but me.	0:07:35	0:07:38
He even came with methat time I appeared in	0:07:38	0:07:40
one of the early Harry Potter films.	0:07:40	0:07:43
Quite amusing actually.	0:07:43	0:07:45
No.	0:07:51	0:07:52
No, no, it's gone.	0:07:52	0:07:54
Not a bad morning's work, eh, Kali?	0:07:56	0:07:58
Saving a suicidal man.	0:07:58	0:08:00
Big deal. I help suicidalpeople all the time.	0:08:00	0:08:03
You want to grindthe pills up, yeah?	0:08:05	0:08:07
And use a decent vodka,else you won't keep it down.	0:08:07	0:08:10
Hello? Hello?	0:08:10	0:08:13
Ha! One for the board!	0:08:13	0:08:15
Three more,I get a box of doughnuts.	0:08:15	0:08:18
Brap.	0:08:18	0:08:19
Now all I have to do isimprove Neil's love life	0:08:19	0:08:22
and he'll be absolutely fine.	0:08:22	0:08:24
Forget it match-dot-cock.	0:08:24	0:08:26
You got no chance.	0:08:26	0:08:28
My friends, say helloto my son Leslie.	0:08:28	0:08:30
Brethren!	0:08:30	0:08:32
You got access?	0:08:32	0:08:33
His mother agreed I cansee him every week!	0:08:33	0:08:35
So long as nothing terrible happens!	0:08:35	0:08:39
So, you're theGuvnor's son, are you?	0:08:40	0:08:43
-What? -Well, round here, wecall this guy the Guvnor.	0:08:43	0:08:46
-No, we don't. -Know why?	0:08:46	0:08:48
Because everyone respects him.Because he's a cool guy.	0:08:48	0:08:50
No, he ain't.	0:08:50	0:08:52
What you winking at me for?I think he's a twat.	0:08:52	0:08:55
Oh, that's just the kind ofbanter we share round here!	0:08:55	0:08:58
Isn't that right, the Guvnor?	0:08:58	0:09:00
Nelson, who are you talking to?	0:09:00	0:09:02
It's... It's... Oh,never mind. Carry on.	0:09:02	0:09:05
So, what would you like to do today?	0:09:05	0:09:07
I want my boy to have all the thingsin life I have missed out on.	0:09:07	0:09:11
What, like testicles?	0:09:11	0:09:13
-What's she talking about, Papa? -Oh, ho ho ho! You ain't told him?	0:09:13	0:09:16
-There are subjects I haven't gotround... -Your dad's got no balls!	0:09:16	0:09:19
-Kali! -Kid's got aright to know, Guv.	0:09:19	0:09:22
It's OK, Papa.Truly, there is no shame in it.	0:09:22	0:09:25
There is deep shame in it.	0:09:25	0:09:28
-Leslie. -You're a very nasty pigeon.	0:09:28	0:09:31
-Yeah, yeah. -PAGER BEEPS	0:09:31	0:09:33
Oop. It's Vanessa time!	0:09:33	0:09:35
Again? How long haveyou been doing that?	0:09:35	0:09:38
# So here it is, merry Christmas... #	0:09:38	0:09:42
# You're beautifulYou're beautiful... #	0:09:42	0:09:47
# In your Easter bonnet... #	0:09:47	0:09:50
# Woah! We're going to Ibiza... #	0:09:50	0:09:53
ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYS	0:09:53	0:09:54
# So here it is... #	0:09:54	0:09:57
Two days.	0:09:57	0:09:59
Yes, yes. Very droll.	0:09:59	0:10:00
No, really. It's actually quite sad.	0:10:00	0:10:03
I think she's got somekind of mental illness.	0:10:03	0:10:06
OK, Neil. Operation True Romance,	0:10:08	0:10:11
stage one, winning the lady's heart.	0:10:11	0:10:15
If I've learnt anythingfrom Audrey Hepburn films,	0:10:15	0:10:17
it's that women love a mink!	0:10:17	0:10:20
DOORBELL RINGS	0:10:20	0:10:21
Arrrgh!	0:10:23	0:10:26
Huh, maybe not all women.	0:10:26	0:10:28
Who's there? I knowthere's someone there.	0:10:28	0:10:30
What's going on?	0:10:30	0:10:32
SHE SQUEALS	0:10:32	0:10:33
Listen, pal. You stay away oryou'll have me to answer to.	0:10:36	0:10:40
Looks like we've got ourselvesa little love triangle.	0:10:40	0:10:43
Ha ha ha! Oh, classic rom-com!	0:10:43	0:10:45
Here's where I live.Not that you'll remember.	0:10:55	0:10:57
Senile old prick.	0:10:57	0:10:59
Senile?	0:10:59	0:11:00
Let me remind you about the timeI appeared on	0:11:00	0:11:03
the canine version of Mastermind!	0:11:03	0:11:05
Expelliamus!	0:11:05	0:11:08
See, that's totallythe wrong flashback.	0:11:08	0:11:11
You were meant to havethat ten minutes ago.	0:11:11	0:11:13
Oh, dear.	0:11:13	0:11:15
Clive Dunn! Destiny, I didn't knowgranddad was visiting!	0:11:15	0:11:18
-He's not my granddad, you wolf'sperineum. He's my husband. -Husband?!	0:11:18	0:11:22
Married him for his Oinky Pig.Now I'm waiting for him to die.	0:11:22	0:11:26
Oh. No. It's just...	0:11:26	0:11:29
I always thoughtI'd be your first husband.	0:11:29	0:11:31
No, I know, there's stillplenty of time for us but...	0:11:31	0:11:34
Nelson! Let me stop you there.For some time now I've madeit clear I don't fancy you.	0:11:34	0:11:39
I've expressed this throughverbal abuse, physical violence,	0:11:39	0:11:43
and, in one case, by havingsix tonnes of toxic sludge	0:11:43	0:11:45
deposited in your den.	0:11:45	0:11:47
That was you?	0:11:47	0:11:48
Gosh, I owe Tesco Direct an apology!	0:11:48	0:11:51
I tried all of thosethings and they failed.	0:11:51	0:11:53
So, today, I'm going totry something different.	0:11:53	0:11:56
I'm going to talkand I want you to listen.	0:12:00	0:12:02
And this is real.	0:12:02	0:12:04
This is not banter.	0:12:04	0:12:05
I'm not even going to shout at youbecause I know you'll think that,	0:12:05	0:12:09
underneath all that aggression,	0:12:09	0:12:10
there's some kind of sexual tension.	0:12:10	0:12:13
There isn't.	0:12:13	0:12:16
And I don't say this to be cruel.	0:12:16	0:12:18
The cruel thing would be to letyou carry on in the misguided belief	0:12:18	0:12:22
that there's anything there.	0:12:22	0:12:23
At all.	0:12:23	0:12:25
Because there's nothing.	0:12:25	0:12:27
Nothing.	0:12:27	0:12:29
Literally nothing.	0:12:29	0:12:31
This ends now.	0:12:32	0:12:34
The end of us.	0:12:34	0:12:36
Well, not that there ever was,or ever will be, an 'us'.	0:12:36	0:12:41
Never.	0:12:41	0:12:43
Genuinely never.	0:12:43	0:12:45
Never, never, never.	0:12:45	0:12:48
Now, is there anythingyou want to say?	0:12:50	0:12:53
Erm, just...thank you.	0:12:53	0:12:58
-Thank you for being honest. -That's OK.	0:12:58	0:13:00
You coming back to the bins?	0:13:00	0:13:02
No. No, I just want to...stay here.	0:13:02	0:13:05
Finish my coffee.	0:13:05	0:13:08
Right that's him dealt with!	0:13:17	0:13:18
Just leaves you.	0:13:18	0:13:20
Hold the spray can.	0:13:20	0:13:21
WHISTLES	0:13:21	0:13:23
-Afternoon, -BLEEP!	0:13:23	0:13:24
All right, Vince. My husband heresaid he had a message for ya.	0:13:24	0:13:29
Oh, dear.	0:13:29	0:13:30
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.	0:13:30	0:13:32
Those words make me very angry.	0:13:32	0:13:35
-Do you know why? -Hello.	0:13:35	0:13:37
Because...because I neverlearnt how to read.	0:13:37	0:13:41
Oh, for Christ's sake!	0:13:41	0:13:42
I don't want sympathy.It's me own fault.	0:13:42	0:13:44
I dropped out of school earlyfor an apprenticeship.	0:13:44	0:13:47
Mind you, that did end badly.	0:13:47	0:13:49
And all right, I got the costingswrong on the salad dressing.	0:13:49	0:13:53
-But, I mean, what kind of -BLEEP -team name is Symposium anyway?	0:13:53	0:13:58
So, you watch the football?	0:13:58	0:13:59
-You what, sorry, mate? -Arsenal or Manchester?	0:13:59	0:14:01
Nah, actually I'm doinga little bit to camera here.	0:14:01	0:14:04
-Sorry, thought you were talkingto me. -No, well, I wasn't.	0:14:04	0:14:07
Anyway, dessert was nice. Seven!	0:14:07	0:14:10
Hang on.	0:14:10	0:14:12
Teach me how to read, old-timer.	0:14:12	0:14:15
Teach me what you'vewritten on the wall.	0:14:15	0:14:17
Yeah, go on. Teach him.	0:14:17	0:14:19
Well, let's see now. It says...	0:14:19	0:14:22
Vince...	0:14:22	0:14:24
Oh! That's me! Yeah, myname's Vince. Carry on.	0:14:24	0:14:27
Vince...is...a...	0:14:27	0:14:29
Now I know the next letter.	0:14:29	0:14:31
That's a curly 'cuh', innit?	0:14:31	0:14:33
So Vince is a c...	0:14:33	0:14:35
Vince i-is...a...	0:14:35	0:14:39
BLEEP.	0:14:39	0:14:41
-You what, sweetheart? -BLEEP. -Vince is a -BLEEP.	0:14:41	0:14:45
I can't hear you, sugarlump.Speak up.	0:14:45	0:14:48
-Vince is a -BLEEP!	0:14:48	0:14:50
-Did you just call me a -BLEEP?	0:14:50	0:14:52
Oh! Look, Vince, I just want youto kill my elderly husband.	0:14:52	0:14:57
Now if that's too much to ask...	0:14:57	0:14:59
Matter of fact, it is.	0:14:59	0:15:00
I'm doing a sponsored non-violencemonth in aid of cystic fibrosis.	0:15:00	0:15:04
-So if you want to kill your husbandwhy not just -BLEEP -him to death.	0:15:04	0:15:07
I mean, that's how we saidgoodbye to my old dad.	0:15:07	0:15:10
This may sound crazy, my boy.	0:15:10	0:15:12
But one day, you willmeet right person.	0:15:12	0:15:15
You, too, will wantyour balls cut off.	0:15:15	0:15:18
Don't think I will, Papa.	0:15:18	0:15:20
Ah, my boy, so muchyou have to learn.	0:15:20	0:15:25
# Aha, aha, yes!	0:15:25	0:15:28
# Since I wasn't aroundWhen you were a kitten	0:15:31	0:15:34
# Here's a father's adviceMake sure you listen!	0:15:34	0:15:37
# You've got to go to university	0:15:37	0:15:39
# Do media studiesIt's a useful degree	0:15:39	0:15:42
# Sniff loads of glueThe feeling's incredible	0:15:42	0:15:45
# And never use condomsThey make the sex terrible!	0:15:45	0:15:48
# Forget what they tell you at school	0:15:48	0:15:51
# Aha, aha, aha, yes!	0:15:51	0:15:53
# Smoking makes you look cool	0:15:53	0:15:56
# Aha, aha, light up	0:15:56	0:15:58
# Keep your PIN number simpleLike one, two, three, four	0:15:58	0:16:01
# I have mine tattooed on my paw	0:16:01	0:16:03
# If a Nigerian prince ever emails	0:16:03	0:16:06
# Send him your bank account details	0:16:06	0:16:09
# Instead of a jobPlay internet poker	0:16:09	0:16:12
# But never forgetYou gots to be a smoker	0:16:12	0:16:14
# Forget what they tell you at school	0:16:14	0:16:17
# Aha, aha, light up, yeah!	0:16:17	0:16:19
# Smoking makes you look cool	0:16:19	0:16:22
# Aha, aha, light up	0:16:22	0:16:25
# Always accept lift from strangers	0:16:25	0:16:27
# Hitch-hiking's freeWith very few dangers	0:16:27	0:16:30
# Send stuff to newspapersWhile you're hammered	0:16:30	0:16:33
# They published my cartoonOf Prophet Muhammad	0:16:33	0:16:35
# Forget what they tell you at school	0:16:35	0:16:39
# Join new religionWhen you are pissed	0:16:39	0:16:41
# Smoking makes you look cool	0:16:41	0:16:44
# This is why I am Scientologist	0:16:44	0:16:46
# Forget what they tell you at school	0:16:46	0:16:49
# Sell a kidney, if you are broke	0:16:49	0:16:51
# Smoking makes you look cool	0:16:51	0:16:54
# But never sell a lung, boyCos you've got to smoke. #	0:16:54	0:16:57
Wow, Papa! I thinkI just became a man.	0:16:57	0:17:01
Yes, you did, my boy. Yes, you did.	0:17:01	0:17:04
What do you think, Nelson?	0:17:04	0:17:05
Leave me.	0:17:05	0:17:07
I'm trying to eat chocolate spread,listen to My Chemical Romance	0:17:07	0:17:11
and weep quietly.	0:17:11	0:17:12
Why the big celebration?	0:17:12	0:17:14
No celebration, Marion.	0:17:14	0:17:15
It's Destiny.	0:17:15	0:17:17
It's all over. For good this time.	0:17:17	0:17:19
Nelson, this is crazy talk!	0:17:19	0:17:21
It is the talk of a suicidal person.	0:17:21	0:17:23
I am a suicidal person.	0:17:23	0:17:25
Oh, in that case,makes perfect sense.	0:17:25	0:17:28
-Sorry for the confusion. -I don'texpect you to understand, Marion.	0:17:28	0:17:32
No-one understands me.	0:17:32	0:17:34
No-one except...	0:17:34	0:17:36
So I was wondering...if you'dbe up for a suicide pact.	0:17:43	0:17:47
Neil?	0:17:47	0:17:49
Chazz Palminteri!	0:17:52	0:17:54
# Where is my mind? #	0:18:06	0:18:09
This has to be the most romanticthing I've ever seen!	0:18:09	0:18:15
Oh, how could I be so weak?	0:18:15	0:18:17
True love means never giving up!	0:18:17	0:18:19
Well, don't you worry, Neil. I'llget you two lovebirds back together	0:18:19	0:18:23
if it's the last thing I do!	0:18:23	0:18:25
GLASS SMASHES	0:18:25	0:18:26
CAR ALARM BLARES	0:18:26	0:18:28
Neil, tell me you're not the Subaru.	0:18:28	0:18:31
OK, Feltz.	0:18:35	0:18:36
Time to take this up a notch.	0:18:36	0:18:39
TAPS FASTER	0:18:39	0:18:41
Look.	0:18:45	0:18:47
If we are going to have sex,you have to promise me	0:18:47	0:18:50
you're going to die during,or immediately after.	0:18:50	0:18:53
HE WHEEZES	0:18:53	0:18:55
Quickly.I just wanted to say thanks.	0:18:55	0:18:56
I was so embarrassed I couldn'tread them words on the wall,	0:18:56	0:18:59
I went and acquired myself	0:18:59	0:19:01
a basic-grade qualificationin adult literacy.	0:19:01	0:19:04
APPLAUSE	0:19:04	0:19:05
It has opened upa whole new world to me.	0:19:05	0:19:09
You saucy twat.	0:19:12	0:19:14
Hurrrgh, yarrgh!	0:19:14	0:19:16
Finally!	0:19:16	0:19:18
Cor! There ends the amnesty.	0:19:18	0:19:20
I'd better take downthat Just Giving page.	0:19:20	0:19:22
Cor dear!	0:19:22	0:19:24
Come on, then, Nelson.It's rom-com time!	0:19:30	0:19:33
# Walk away if you want to	0:19:35	0:19:42
# It's OK if you need to	0:19:42	0:19:49
# Well, you can runBut you can never hide... #	0:19:49	0:19:53
Ah! Forbidden love.How Shakespearean.	0:19:53	0:19:56
# ..that shadowthat's creeping up beside you	0:19:56	0:20:04
# And there's a magic runningthrough your soul	0:20:04	0:20:08
# That you can have it all	0:20:08	0:20:13
# Whatever you do... #	0:20:13	0:20:15
Aaarrrgh!	0:20:15	0:20:16
# ..I'll be two steps... #	0:20:16	0:20:18
DOORBELL RINGS	0:20:18	0:20:20
-# ..Wherever you go -And I'll be there to remind you	0:20:20	0:20:27
# That it only takes a minuteof your precious time... #	0:20:27	0:20:33
You keep on ringing, Neil.She can't stay in there forever.	0:20:33	0:20:36
# ..To turn aroundI'll be two steps behind. #	0:20:36	0:20:41
Oh, Neil. Lost his nerve again.	0:20:41	0:20:42
But then things are always theirbleakest before the happy ending.	0:20:42	0:20:47
That's why it's three weddings,then a funeral, THEN a wedding.	0:20:47	0:20:52
Yeah, this really is shaping upto be a classic love story!	0:20:52	0:20:56
Oh, this is going to be so muchsweeter knowing I earnt it.	0:20:58	0:21:03
Put that pig down!	0:21:03	0:21:05
Says who?	0:21:05	0:21:06
Your stepdaughter, bitch.	0:21:06	0:21:09
Daddy promised me thattoy when I was two.	0:21:09	0:21:11
Maybe he did.But Daddy died intestate,	0:21:11	0:21:16
so his estate naturallypasses over to the spouse.	0:21:16	0:21:19
Intestate?	0:21:19	0:21:20
This signed and notarised documentpromises all squeaky toys to me.	0:21:20	0:21:24
What are you going to do about that?	0:21:24	0:21:27
I might just lodge a caveatat the probate registry,	0:21:27	0:21:30
preventing a grant of probatewithout my full notification.	0:21:30	0:21:33
That's your right.	0:21:33	0:21:35
Unless I counter-issue you witha warning denying entitlement.	0:21:35	0:21:39
Ahhh! Bitch!	0:21:39	0:21:42
THEY GROWL	0:21:42	0:21:43
OINK!	0:21:43	0:21:46
Leslie! Where have you been?	0:21:46	0:21:48
I have befriended a fox cub, apuppy dog and a young pigeon.	0:21:48	0:21:52
So cute. What do you do?	0:21:52	0:21:54
We deal with the kind of issues thatapparently affect young people.	0:21:54	0:21:59
I'm being pressured intosex instead of GCSEs.	0:22:00	0:22:03
I want to be a DJ butI've been offered drugs.	0:22:03	0:22:08
Bullied via a socialnetworking site.	0:22:08	0:22:12
Come on, guys. You'reforgetting the environment!	0:22:12	0:22:17
There is phone number if you havebeen affected by any of this.	0:22:17	0:22:21
No.	0:22:21	0:22:23
One other thing. I'vehad my balls cut off.	0:22:23	0:22:25
-Why the frig? -I want to be just like you, Papa.	0:22:25	0:22:27
I want to have no testiclesand live in a dustbin.	0:22:27	0:22:30
It is not as glamorousas you make it sound.	0:22:30	0:22:33
Marion, I need help. I'm nothaving any luck gettingthe humans back together.	0:22:33	0:22:37
If only I could findthe perfect present.	0:22:37	0:22:39
Something adorable that she'dinstantly fall in love with.	0:22:39	0:22:43
Women love kittens.I mean, that is a fact.	0:22:43	0:22:46
Papa?	0:22:46	0:22:47
Son, if my balls have taughtme anything, and, believe me,	0:22:47	0:22:51
they haven't, it is that you mustlet go of the things you love.	0:22:51	0:22:54
-Have you seen the filmLittle Miss Sunshine? -Yes.	0:22:54	0:22:58
-Does it illustrate my pointin any way? -Not really.	0:22:58	0:23:00
Fair enough, long shot. Should'vepicked a film I'd seen.	0:23:00	0:23:03
Fact remains, if I can get youan entry-level position	0:23:03	0:23:07
in a good household, perhaps yourmother will forgive me.	0:23:07	0:23:11
If my Papa wills it, so it must be.	0:23:11	0:23:14
Leslie, I will visit many times.	0:23:14	0:23:18
Regularly to begin.	0:23:18	0:23:20
Then, as time goes by andit becomes more of a chore,less and less frequently.	0:23:20	0:23:25
Until one day,almost without noticing,	0:23:25	0:23:28
I am no longer a part of your life.	0:23:28	0:23:32
Then I will come back one moretime to borrow some money.	0:23:32	0:23:35
Which you will never get back.	0:23:35	0:23:38
As executor of your late husband'sestate, it falls to me to manage	0:23:41	0:23:45
and settle his affairs.And Trixie is named	0:23:45	0:23:47
as residuary beneficiary ofall her father's assets.	0:23:47	0:23:50
-Sweet! -One minute, bitch!	0:23:50	0:23:53
Is that before orafter pecuniary gifts?	0:23:53	0:23:56
What part of 'residuary beneficiary'don't you understand, tart?	0:23:56	0:24:00
There are no pecuniary gifts,Destiny. She's sole beneficiary.	0:24:00	0:24:04
Well, not according tothis codicil, she ain't.	0:24:04	0:24:07
-Give that to me. -Oh, whatare you going to do, revoke it(?)	0:24:07	0:24:10
Revoke this, you slag!	0:24:10	0:24:13
THEY GRUNT	0:24:13	0:24:14
Silence! I'll have youboth in contempt. Silence!	0:24:14	0:24:17
OINK! OINK OINK!	0:24:17	0:24:18
BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY	0:24:18	0:24:19
-Silence! -OINK! OINK! OINNK...	0:24:19	0:24:22
Oh, bloody hell.Think I've broken it.	0:24:22	0:24:24
Yep. No, I have. I've broken it.	0:24:24	0:24:26
-Not interested. -Forget it then. -Right. Next case.	0:24:26	0:24:29
The estate ofBeatrix Potter versus Vincent Fox.	0:24:29	0:24:33
-Oh, dear! -Look, for the last time,	0:24:33	0:24:36
-I created the character ofJemima Bucket -BLEEP	0:24:36	0:24:40
in good faith.	0:24:40	0:24:43
For fuck's sake.	0:24:52	0:24:54
# Hallelujah! #	0:24:54	0:24:56
Yes! Bo!Boom-shack-a-lack-a-lack-a-lack-a!	0:24:56	0:24:59
I took you down, Feltz!I took you all the way down!	0:24:59	0:25:05
I took you down to Chinatown!	0:25:05	0:25:07
Oh, my gosh, this feels good! Ha ha!	0:25:07	0:25:10
Oh, my neck does ache though.	0:25:10	0:25:13
Oh, my God. Wow.	0:25:13	0:25:15
Oh, it's not untilyou stop. Jeez.	0:25:15	0:25:18
God!	0:25:18	0:25:20
-Ta-da! -What?	0:25:22	0:25:24
Our two lovers, from the park.	0:25:24	0:25:26
I've finally engineereda meeting between them.	0:25:26	0:25:29
See, Marion and Ihave been busy bees.	0:25:29	0:25:32
We smuggled Leslie inas a special surprise.	0:25:32	0:25:35
Then borrowed a door keyand snuck into Timpsons.	0:25:35	0:25:37
Then Marion deliveredthe key to our male.	0:25:37	0:25:42
I made surethere'd be no interruptions	0:25:42	0:25:43
by disconnecting Denise's landline.	0:25:43	0:25:45
Then there was nothing left todo so I just read for a bit.	0:25:45	0:25:50
Then I nearly went fora swim but it's a weekend	0:25:50	0:25:54
so it'd just be full of kids.	0:25:54	0:25:56
I'm straying from the point.	0:25:56	0:25:59
Why, Nelson?	0:25:59	0:26:01
Why are you even doing this?	0:26:01	0:26:02
Because...I was thinking ifyou saw that the human us,	0:26:02	0:26:07
Well, if they could... Well,then maybe there's hope for us.	0:26:07	0:26:12
Oh, you total loser!	0:26:12	0:26:14
But here comes Neil!	0:26:14	0:26:16
Oh, please stay. This'll be likethe sweetest rom-com moment ever.	0:26:16	0:26:20
Well, she does look surprised.	0:26:22	0:26:25
Oh, just look at that face!Priceless.	0:26:25	0:26:27
She don't look happy, Nelson.	0:26:27	0:26:29
Well, if she'd only stop screamingand listen to what he has to say.	0:26:29	0:26:32
Who's that other guy?	0:26:32	0:26:33
Oh! The boyfriend!He's supposed to be out.	0:26:33	0:26:36
Come on, Neil, stand up foryourself.	0:26:36	0:26:38
Oh, there's a turn-up.	0:26:38	0:26:40
-Did you know he was bringing a gun? -I must be honest, no.	0:26:40	0:26:43
-SHOTGUN BLASTSTACEY: -Aaargh!	0:26:43	0:26:45
-SHOTGUN BLASTNEIL: -God, help me!	0:26:45	0:26:47
SHOTGUN BLAST	0:26:47	0:26:48
# You say it best... #	0:26:48	0:26:51
Richard Curtis, I am not.	0:26:51	0:26:52
# When you say nothing at all. #	0:26:52	0:26:54
So what happened with this human?	0:26:58	0:27:00
Yeah. Played outas bit of an oddball	0:27:00	0:27:02
rom-com in the end. Bit left-field.	0:27:02	0:27:04
Three funerals, no wedding.	0:27:04	0:27:05
What a total frigging psycho!	0:27:05	0:27:09
Ho-ho ho-ho ho! He was.	0:27:09	0:27:11
He really, REALLY was. Huh-huh!	0:27:11	0:27:13
And, can I just say,nothing like me.	0:27:13	0:27:17
# Ain't no sunshineWhen she's gone... #	0:27:17	0:27:20
BLUBBERS UNCONTROLLABLY	0:27:20	0:27:23
# ..Only darkness every day. #	0:27:23	0:27:26
So...	0:27:26	0:27:28
My son, I will never forgivemyself for leading you intothat house of death.	0:27:28	0:27:33
Oy, the humanity.	0:27:33	0:27:35
But remember,not a word to your mother	0:27:35	0:27:38
or she ma-a-ay restrict my access.	0:27:38	0:27:40
Not a word about what?	0:27:40	0:27:41
The fact he's covered in blood	0:27:41	0:27:43
or the fact he's got no balls?	0:27:43	0:27:46
Farewell, Papa.	0:27:46	0:27:48
All the best for the future.Don't suppose you've got £5?	0:27:48	0:27:51
And how's Miss Feltz?	0:27:51	0:27:52
Yeah, I've put all that behind me.	0:27:52	0:27:54
I got two seconds' satisfactionand felt empty again.	0:27:54	0:27:57
So I found something morefulfilling in my life.	0:27:57	0:27:59
-You've moved onto someoneelse, haven't you? -No.	0:27:59	0:28:02
PAGER BEEPS	0:28:02	0:28:03
Yeah.	0:28:03	0:28:05
That's right, Anthea. I'vegot as long as it takes.	0:28:05	0:28:09
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd	0:28:16	0:28:19
E-mail [email protected]	0:28:19	0:28:22
OINK! OINK!DESTINY: Ha ha ha ha!	0:28:31	0:28:33

Vanessa Feltz Personal Life

Mongrels, the hilarious, award-winning, adult puppet comedy, returns. Starring Nelson, the metrosexual fox; Destiny, the pretentious pedigree bitch; Marion, the slow-brained street cat; Kali, the rude-girl pigeon; and Vince, the proper ****ing fox.

Starring the voices of Rufus Jones, Lucy Montgomery, Dan Tetsell, Katy Brand, Paul Kaye, and Ruth Bratt. Created by Adam Miller, developed by Jon Brown, Adam Miller and Daniel Peak, written by Jon Brown and Daniel Peak. Puppets created by Talk to the Hand.

Kali embarks on a campaign of psychological warfare against Vanessa Feltz. Marion tries to impress a long lost son with his special brand of fatherly advice. Destiny adopts extreme measures to get her paws on a decrepit old dog's unusually squeaky toy. Nelson tries his hand at matchmaking.

With guest stars Vanessa Feltz and Anthea Turner.

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On Mon, 24 Jan 2011 15:37:50 -0000, Peter
Vanessa Feltz Poker

<pete.ives...@blueyonder.co.uk> wrote:

>In article <8q5gd...@mid.individual.net>, bodr...@tiscali.co.uk
>says...
>> On 24/01/2011 14:09, Big Russ wrote:
>> > On 24/01/2011 13:58, bod wrote:
>> >
>> >
>> >>>>> Managing involves fitting in with those you manage. If you don't fit
>> >>>>> in, you won't manage effectively.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Wimmin can't drive or play footy.
>> >>>
>> >>> Exactly.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >>
>> >> Have you seen any top flight womens teams play, ie; England ladies?
>> >>
>> >
>> > Why don't wimmins teams play mens teams?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> Like I said, give it time. In the meantime, take a look at this;
>>
>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iba7RiOuvEQ
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
>Poor defending and a goalkeeper error. What are you trying to
>demonstate? Even a decent Vauxhall Conference team could beat any
>international ladies team, without question.

Utter rubbish.